trans_9 | Mediation, Meditation, Inspiration for Itineration [Open]

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Mediation, Meditation, Inspiration for Itineration [Open]

Obi-Wan had done as he ought, he'd done what he could and then retired from the field. Too many hands for that pot, and not a one of them with as little sense. Still he was weary from his injury and his healing, and after a strange dream-addled sleep, what was needed most was perspective. The church was crowded, the city was an uncertain mess, and there was little enough peace to be had in the barracks— the Jedi had retired to the oft-praised sensoriums to look for a place of quiet. And he'd found in his choice of setting nothing less than what was unmistakably a Jedi Temple.

Oh, it wasn't the Temple, but the architectural style, the general layout were similar, all rounded, organics shapes an living stone. It resonated with him and so he found a cushion and a comfortable, bright lace where little but warm moist breezes and quiet birdsong reached him and began the quiet, measured breaths that were a prelude to the less combat-oriented meditation styles. Comforting quite, peacegiving pulse of the living Force in his very veins...if introspection were not so disquieting, they would have given greater balance. Obi-Wan sighed and began again. Anakin and Luke would know where to find him, when they were ready— and at least one of them deserved the lecture he'd be getting, and knew it.

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Obi-Wan was not in the mood for games, not today. He could feel the turmoil in Anakin from the entire distance of the ship— and might have been able to do so from Coruscant, for all he knew. It wouldn't be the first time. Nor would this, the cheeky way his former padawan interrupted his quiet meditation as if he hadn't a care in the world. He knew better than that.

"I noticed something, recently," he began, wishing almost that he could simply laugh it off, then frowned and shook his head. Obi-Wan began again, this time with open eyes, and he turned to pin Anakin where he stood with a piercing stare, "It was Padmé, wasn't it?"

Anakin was expecting a lecture about him running off in anger. He was not, however, expecting that. He literally froze for a mere few seconds, his gaze locked upon Obi-Wan's own. His thoughts twisted and turned, quickly trying to formulate an answer, an excuse, something.

"What? You're not making any sense, Master." He began, his outer expression was nothing but calm, though inwardly it was a raging storm. "The senator isn't even here. I don't know why you would bring her up, or even what you are talking about."

He causally broke off their locked stare and started to move around the room. He didn't even bother looking at Obi-Wan anymore. It was taking all of his will power to stop himself from radiating a fit of simple panic.

"Look, I know you're going to lecture me for my actions earlier. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I just -- I let things go to my head. I wasn't thinking straight. It was reckless, I know. And I'll try to do better." If all else fails, change the subject.

"I know," Obi-Wan acknowledged his apology with a deceptive mildness, "You do always try, and for that you are not given enough credit. To be honest, Anakin, I don't know what's gotten into you, lately. You should have been down there with me, not off arguing about— I don't even care what. Your actions have been erratic, driven by anger and frustration, poorly thought out— even by your own standards."

He paused, this wasn't what he wanted to talk about. This wasn't the topic at hand, this was tangential— a symptom, if not of Anakin's attachment, then of the stress it brought on him. Obi-Wan took a deep breath to calm himself down and recentered, "Now, I always knew you and Padmé were attracted to each other, but I didn't know how far it had gotten. And don't you dare deny it!"

With decisive hand-motion he cut off whatever Anakin had been about to say. Quietly, Ben continued, "I'm Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, I've trained you since you were nine, and I know you, Anakin Skywalker. We're...we're practically brothers, why did you feel the need to hide this from me?"

Anakin turned sharply. Obi-Wan had struck a nerve. Couldn't Obi-Wan understand why he needed to hide it? Why he couldn't tell anyone? It was in that moment that something snapped inside Anakin. His expression grew dark. If Obi-Wan wanted to hear the truth, so be it.

"Why? You dare ask me why?" He approached slightly. "You would have gone to them. You would have had me thrown out of the order. You pretend to care about my feelings, but you don't. All the lectures, all the the times you knocked me down, never once have you simply tried to understand me!"

He broke off his movement and paced to the side.

"You didn't have a family, you didn't know what it was like to lose mine."

It was clear that his anger was rising with every word he spoke.

"You know what? I don't care anymore. So what if I love her. Love isn't something that should be shunned. It should be celebrated! She is the only thing in my life that makes me happy. And you would take that from me. You wouldn't care, you would do what you thought was in your duty."

He paused for a moment, his eyes were almost ablaze.

"And I will not let you or anyone else tell me its wrong. You will not take her from me." And as Anakin paused to stare at his former master, it was clear that his words were very much a threat.

Obi-Wan, very slowly, rose to his feet, and met Anakin's glare with his own. Here was the slow rage of Master Kenobi, the oft-quelled and always hidden dedication that had once driven him in heat and hatred to the very brink of the Dark Side. His fists trembled as he spoke, but his voice was calm and even, kept to a low speaking volume that contrasted sharply with Anakin's tirade, "I had a family. And I had someone I loved very much. You were there when I failed and for my failure, watched her die. You have known me for nearly thirteen years, Anakin, and in all that time I have trusted you."

He let that quietly sit between them, like a loaded gun.

"I knew there was something between you," He continued, in that same, restrained, quiet fashion, "And because it made you happy, I never said a word. You are losing control, and that is why I am telling you now; get ahold of yourself."

Anakin always wondered if Obi-Wan suspected anything, but he tried not to think about it. It was better that they pretended nothing was going on and let it stay like that.

But this was treading on dangerous ground. Anakin knew it, and Obi-Wan probably knew it as well. But the young Jedi didn't seem to care.

"You think this is me out of control? No, I am perfectly in control of myself."

He shifted in his stance lightly.

"You never trusted me. No one trusts me. I can feel their fear. They're afraid of my power. Maybe you are too, which is why you always held me back. You didn't want me to become better than you."

It was irrational, and inwardly Anakin was trying to justify everything. Even the little things he could not.

"Padmé and I are married. You didn't know that, did you? I kept that a secret this entire time. And there are other things you don't know. Things I couldn't tell you. I could never confide in you, Master, all it would earn me is a lecture. A statement telling me I was wrong. But you have no idea how deep my scars run, do you?"

In automatic response, Obi-Wan's own stance shifted, ever so slightly. His head came back, shoulders a little off-center. For a very long time he simply stared at Anakin as one might stare at a stranger on the street, trying to find in them the resemblance to someone you once knew, searching for the memory of their name from your own past.

"Perhaps I do not," He replied, anger once again gone from voice and body— or hidden, "But I am not your master, not any longer. And if, by now, you do not know the lessons I gave you, then that is my failing, not yours. I have failed you, Anakin, and for that I am sorry. I have no wish to fight you."

Anakin felt a tinge of regret for what he said. But he was struggling to hold onto himself before he went any deeper into the darkness. In the back of his mind it was clawing at him, telling him to lash out. That Obi-Wan was an obstacle in his way. He was at the edge of the cliff and about ready to jump off.

But something held him back. Something about the way Obi-Wan simply looked at him that kept him from tumbling down. And like a tidal wave, everything finally came crashing down.

Anakin lost control of himself, he wavered in his stance and took a step back. No longer able to face his former master, he looked away.

"No," he began. "I am the failure. I'm not ... I'm not what I should be. Everyone calls me the Hero With No Fear, but I am afraid. I have lost so much that I can't bare to lose anything more. Am I really the Chosen One? I don't know. I want more than what a Jedi should. I know it's wrong."

He closed his eyes for a moment and thought about what he was going to say, what he should say. But if Obi-Wan truly trusted him...

"It beckons me, like a raging beast. I try to ignore it, but it's always there, lingering in my shadow. Waiting for me to let my guard down, just once and then it strikes. I can't hold it back anymore. And part of me isn't sure if I want to."

Anakin clenched his fist for a moment as he opened his eyes. There was one final thing he needed to tell his former master.

"I have given into it before." He finally forced himself to look at Obi-Wan again. "When my mother died. I killed them. Those who harmed her. I killed all of them. I never told you because -- because I knew I failed you. And now with this... I know I have failed you again with my falling in love with Padmé, but this ... this I do not regret."

Edited 2009-09-13 06:43 (UTC)

"Anakin, all Jedi love," Obi-Wan counseled quietly, and turned away, going to stand at the balcony's edge and look at the false garden. This was not his lecturing voice, but rather the quieter tone he'd used when imparting some vital skill. This is how you hold a lightsaber, how you sense the force, how you augment your jumps, "But this is why were are asked not to love as deeply. The attachment is seductive, not because it is evil, but because it is so good. And too much dedication to one person can cause great evils to happen, for their sake. And that will taint you, and bring you closer to the Dark Side, to the Sith. They are the ones without fear, Anakin, not Jedi. We fear, but we cannot let that fear rule us."

He was not looking at Anakin. He was not showing the face of bones and sorrow. He was not. Obi-Wan shook his head, "I apologize, you asked me not to lecture you. You're not a padawan, and I've been rambling on like an old fool. Fight your darkness. We all do. And sometimes we fail, and someone like Ventress is what comes of it, but we fight all the same."

Anakin felt like the floor was going to collapse beneath him. He was drowning in his own emotions, and for a moment he almost let himself go. He wanted to be washed away. The way Obi-Wan turned from him. The way he tried to hide his own pain, his disappointment. Anakin was sure of that. Sure that Obi-Wan would never look at him the same. Again he lost something. And this time it was because he was truthful. Because he stopped with the lies. He gave in and let everything out. And Obi-Wan turned from him.

His legs gave way and he dropped to his knees. He began to feel another emotion, another one the darkness loved. Hate. But not for Obi-Wan or anyone else. For himself. At this moment, he hated what he had become.

He wanted to plead with Obi-Wan. To beg him not to turn him away. But he couldn't bring about the words.

He stared at the floor. His thoughts collapsing upon one another.

"I know how you must think of me. And you are right to. When we get back -- back to where we belong. I will ... withdraw from the Order. I hope ... you find a student who is worthy of your teaching. Again, I am sorry. I hope my failures do not reflect on you." With that he forced himself to rise to his feet. He would let Obi-Wan have his peace.

"You always assume you know the hearts of people," Obi-Wan sighed. And that was meant to chide, "Not a minute ago, you were certain I was jealous of you. I'm telling you, you will always be as a brother to me. A younger, more daring, reckless...certainly we've had that argument before?"

Obi-Wan rubbed a hand over his face. For goodness sake, he was tired. Ben wasn't a young man anymore, and all this emotional turmoil was bound to give him an ulcer, if Anakin hadn't already. He sighed and turned to face his former padawan, "Listen to us! Both trying to take the blame for something that's not so bad as all that. No one is going to die! Even if I wanted to, I couldn't keep this secret, next time I report to the council, Master Yoda would sense it in me no matter what I tried. Anakin, they're not going to stick you out on Dantooine or somewhere and hope it goes away. You married her? You weren't just..."

Obi-Wan trailed off. He didn't know how he'd intended to finish that. He simply wanted to know that it was the truth of it, and not something said in heat to hurt or shock him.

"No, we were married." He sighed himself and glanced away for a moment before looking at his former Master again. There was no point in hiding anything anymore.

"Remember the battle at Geonosis? It was..." He trailed off for a moment before another sigh escaped. Taking a deep breath he finally continued. "Shortly after, when I got my replacement arm. We were married in a secret ceremony."

He stepped forward and bought himself closer to Obi-Wan. "You have to understand. I trust you with my life, but there are some secrets that I could tell no one. You are truly my closest friend and teacher, Master. But even the one other I have confided in does not know about this."

He stepped around Obi-Wan for a moment to look off into the distance.

"You have to understand... she is my life."

It was inappropriate, he knew, but Obi-Wan couldn't help the defeatist humor that crept into his voice, "Ah, but you just said you trusted me with your life."

He let that sit, and smiled wanly at it, and at Anakin. Sometimes it was easy to forget just how young he was, to harbor such melodrama that he could stare without irony off into the middle-distance like some poorly written holovid, "Never mind, I understand what you mean. No matter what happens when we return, for now you are a Jedi, and so am I. Let's not have a repeat of yesterday, shall we?"

"I understand, Master. I do not wish for this to happen again. It's just so... new. To have so many unexpected things drop into my lap. But you know I do try."

He sighed and moved back around so that he was facing Obi-wan once more. His mood seemed to be lifted though.

"I hope I didn't prove to be too much of a distraction. I know how you enjoy your meditation." He smiled at Obi-Wan. Maybe things could get back to normal now.

"You should try it sometime," Replied Obi-Wan. This was an old joke, well-worn between them and comfortable, "It's very relaxing."

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Mediation, Meditation, Inspiration for Itineration [Open]

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