Action Is the Antidote to Despair [massively bendytimed before Rebellion]

[googledox]

Despair was a funny thing sometimes, in that it could be all-encompassing, overwhelming. It could fill your entire being like water dripping down into the grooves and craters of a pockmarked surface, creating a flat uniform plane of itself.

He hadn't quite felt this way at first. First, he'd just been numb. He'd been numb when he'd tried to give Jeka his flight ring and she refused and as Jeka had been taken away to the pods for healing after what his mother had done to her. He'd been numb as he was given medical treatment and turned away all visitors, including Brenda. He'd been numb when facing the Council and demanding he be imprisoned for what he'd done to Daniel and Punchy and the others. He'd been numb in their face of their compassion and insistence that he didn't need to be locked up, that probation and psychiatric treatment and monitoring were enough in light of his guilt and his treatment of his mother.

When he heard the news that Punchy had died before he had the chance to thank him for trying to save him, for talking him down out of despair at the lowest moment of his entire life, that was ironically when the despair came back full force. It felt terrible.

It also felt good to feel, to not be like his mother. That was the fine line between them, thin as the edge of a knife but a difference that, like the edge of a knife, cut down deep to the bone. His mother wouldn't have shed a tear over the death of Matthew O'Connor, but curled up in his cot in the Brig, Querl Dox wept wretchedly over the passing of the most ridiculously-named superhero he'd ever known.

Comments

[punchedoutdestiny]

While Querl weeps, two figures approach the cell. One goes through the process of opening it - and then leaves with a tip of a hat. The second figure, however, was someone Querl had spoken to earlier.

Simon's arms are folded as he approaches the entryway to the cell, then leans on the side of the doorway.

"Everything hit you all at once?"

[googledox]

"It's not a matter of it hitting me all at once," Querl sniffed, wiping at his face and trying to get his breathing under control. "It hasn't stopped hitting me. It's a matter of processing."

[punchedoutdestiny]

"I can understand that," he answers as some old memories start stirring up.

There's a pause, then he speaks again. "I...realize it's not the best time to bring it up, but I came to see if you'd reconsider being brigged."

[googledox]

"I'm not sure why you'd want me to reconsider it. It's safer for the crew this way."

[punchedoutdestiny]

"Because of all the stuff you've done before this happened!" The response is a snap. "You - you're one of the older crew! You helped pave the way so people like me and others here can communicate with each other, can live decently - the list goes on!"

Simon raises from the odor frame. "You're a good guy - it don't take a rocket scientist to see that, 'cause I'm sure as hell not one. And dealing with all that happened to you in that other part of the ship - that's bad enough, I'd think. Sure, you did some bad things, but they weren't your fault. The people you did them to don't blame you. That, and..." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "You'd do a hell of a lot more good out among the rest of us than sitting around here."

[googledox]

That last part gave him a pause and made him think.

What good could he do holed up in this lab? How could he come remotely close to fulfilling the ideals of the Legion?

"There should be consequences. The options the Council offered in regards to probation and some limited freedom of movement aren't acceptable. They aren't severe enough."

[punchedoutdestiny]

"From what I read and was told about what went down, having to live with having been through all that is enough of a consequence!" Simon frowns a bit. "For such a smart guy, you're bein' a pretty big dumbass right now - there's other ways to pay for this. Service toward the ship as a whole is one of them. And another thing..." Simon's face gets a bit somber. "We're losing good people left and right to both the pods and..." There's a pause as the implications go unsaid - Superman, Howard, Cedric, Punchy. "We need everyone that's able to be out and doing what they can. I'm sure the people who got you guys out of there would agree with me."

[googledox]

"I'm sure the people who got you guys out of there would agree with me."

That gave Brainy food for thought.

Would Punchy agree with that? Brainy hadn't know him horribly well, but from what he had known of him, he had the feeling that he would have.

"I'll consider the Council's initial terms, but I make no promises."

[punchedoutdestiny]

Simon nods. "Good. I won't force it on you, but do think on it a while."

And with that, Simon departs, though, he did leave the cell open...

[shes_intense]

By the time she laid eyes on him she'd had - in her estimation - at least a day and a half to stew, and every hour of it had just made her madder.

Brenda hadn't let Querl out of her sight until they'd hit medical, clinging hard to his hand until someone, she didn't even rememeber who, gently tugged them apart and ushered her off to be washed down. By the time she'd been bandaged up, rehydrated, re-dressed, he'd begun refusing visitors. She was exhausted but hadn't been able to sleep with anything resembling soundness, anxiousness and anger rolling together in her guts.

When the news of his self-sentencing reached her she'd arrived at the Brig and met with cooperation rather than any resistance upon demanding to be let in to see him.

Looking at him now, though, coiled in a ball and crying, it was hard to keep her anger at a boil. She'd fume at him later...

For the moment she sank on her knees next to the cot, reaching out and sliding one warm thin hand over his shoulder, a gentle anchor on his arm.

"Hey."

[googledox]

"You're not supposed to be here," he sniffed.

But then that's how it would have been for a normal prisoner.

"They're really not going about this properly. I've been imprisoned more thoroughly in the past."

[shes_intense]

"They could either let me in or watch me let myself in after I suplexed them and took the keys." she quipped, rubbing her hand along his arm. "They chose wisely."

She sighed.

"They're not doing it properly because they don't believe you deserve it. You can make them do it, but you can't make them do it WELL."

[googledox]

"Whether or not they believe I deserve it has very little bearing on reality."

[shes_intense]

"Seeing as you've just spent the last several months being royally screwed with in every concievable way and that basically everyone thinks this wasn't your fault, has it occured to you that maybe you're the one in this situation who's looking at things the wrong way?"

She shifted her weight, sitting up on her knees and wrapping her arm around his body, leaning over to press a kiss to one temple.

"I know you can't just 'stop' feeling guilty and awful right now, but no one who is supposed to act in the best interests of this crew believes you should be here, and for what it's worth, with all I saw, I still think they're right."

[googledox]

"The reality of the situation is that even though I was initially an innocent in my mother's schemes, I still tortured several individuals, conspired with her to destroy and control the crew, confined you against your will and emotionally abused you, kidnapped several people--resulting in one of my dearest friends suffering from brain damage that may possibly be permanent--and otherwise betrayed the crew and my friends in every conceivable way."

He lay there very still, ignoring the kiss, not reaching up his hands to touch her arms, even though a subtle shifting of his own arms betrayed that he wanted to.

"It isn't about deserving or not deserving anything. I'm--I was a Legionnaire. I was expected to follow the laws of this crew and adhere to the tenets of the Legion oath and Constitution. I didn't, ergo, there should be consequences. It's very simple."

His body curled up even tighter.

"I know I don't deserve this. I didn't deserve any of this. It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be consequences of some kind to the choice I made--and I did make a choice. I could have chosen to die or go irrevocably insane rather than allowing myself to be used as a mechanism to cause others harm. Choosing to become what I became was a conscious choice."

[shes_intense]

Brenda snorted, sitting back but keeping her hand on his arm. "Dying or going irrevocably insane are not valid choices, at least not the kind of choices that ANYONE would have asked you to consider, for starters."

"Secondly, if you hadn't remained alive and in the thick of all her crap that bitch-" she doesn't deserve to be called anyone's mother "-would have probably taken over the entire ship eventually. There would have been no one to weaken her defenses, I'd be dead because she'd have no use for me, no one could have gotten a signal out, and she would have gone on to kill even MORE people and enslave everyone else for her little torture experiments."

"So, no, I do not accept either of those 'options' as having been more viable, Querl. If only for the purely selfish fact that I'm still breathing because you didn't give up and die, I don't accept that. But I also don't think you HAD any other genuine choices."

[googledox]

"Brenda, if I don't have auto-flagellation as an option to deal with the overwhelming guilt, I won't have anything. Please don't take my self-deprecation away from me," Brainy said mildly.

[halfa_hero]

The reasons for Danny not showing up to talk to Brainy as soon as humanly possible were many. He needed food, and a bath, and had been on both sides of similar situations more than a few times before. Brainy needed at least a little time to try and deal with it on his own. When he'd heard how the Coluan had chosen to deal with it, he figured it was time to intervene.

"So," He said nonchalantly, sitting down next to Querl, "Done beating yourself up over everything, or should I give you a few more hours?"

[googledox]

It had been different during the fighting. They'd had to work together, they'd had to concentrate on the fighting and the tasks before them, and instinctually, Brainy had fallen back to old patterns with his friend, the two of them working together, the same repartee.

It was different now that they were out and he'd finally had time to decompress and think about everything that had happened.

When he heard Daniel's voice, he stiffened, and stayed silent, not sure what to say or how to say it.

[halfa_hero]

"Okay, if you're not going to say anything, I'll keep talking."

He look ed at his boots, trying to figure out how he was going to fram what he wanted to say. "You're not the first close friend I've had try to do something horribly painful to me while under someone else's influence, y'know. Sam did, Dani did. Heck, Tucker's done it twice. You're not going to get rid of me that easily."

[googledox]

Brainy curled up in a little ball on his cot, eyes closed tight.

[halfa_hero]

Dany sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Are you going to keep ignoring me, or am I going to have to dust off the annoying little brother routine? Because, I warn you, I've had years of practice at that."

[googledox]

"You're making this more difficult."

Making what more difficult, he didn't seem to want to elaborate on.

[halfa_hero]

"Teenager. We have a habit of making things difficult. Mind sharing with the class?"

[googledox]

"You're my friend and I systematically desentientized you and tortured you. You apparently forgive me, which is a testament to your personal character and only underscores the fact that I hurt someone who is a very dear friend and an astoundingly good person."

Which made it hurt more, made him hate himself more, and yes, he had just openly complimented Daniel. After years on the ship together, it was stupid to pretend he didn't care.

"I'd much prefer that you be furious with me, to be perfectly honest."

It was what he deserved.