trans_9 | The Sun Is Always In My Eyes [Closed]

Entry tags:

The Sun Is Always In My Eyes [Closed]

Zouichi did have a point that Howard's being a hypocrite about dodging that whole Cedric issue. Not that Howard thinks that makes it fair to point it out.

And naturally the totally adult thing to do is go throw rocks off the cliff instead of address anything. Throw rocks off the cliffs and swing his feet off the edge, watching his shoelaces dangle and trying to work out exactly what he sees in a good-natured dummy who's about a foot taller than him and still believes individual lives are worth something.

There's still a part of Howard that doesn't believe Cedric; he has trouble accepting that someone can see the world up to the moment of their death and walk away with a positive outlook and an open heart. Where horrible things and near-certain death left Howard stilted and twisted, Cedric has just accepted things. And in a way, that makes him serene and whole.

Or maybe just resigned. Maybe Howard's stupid no-good dumb useless idiotic fricking teenage hormones are making him go easy on Cedric and see everything he does in a flattering light.

Howard picks up another rock and clutches it in his palm until it's warm. Then, rather than tossing it off the edge to join the others, he puts it back down on the ground and runs his dirty hands all over his face, as if wiping the day off himself. When he looks up, he notices exactly the subject of his thoughts near the base of the cliff.

After a few seconds and few fingernails bitten down, Howard waves and calls out to Cedric.

"Hey!"

Which is clearly the most charming and witty opening line ever.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"It's hard to focus on anything when it doesn't matter. I kind of miss it, though."

Howard pauses and leans against the cliff face, tucking his hands into his the pockets of his hoodie to hide that they're trembling and balled into fists. He wishes he were better at hiding fear, or just at not being afraid at all. Just because he's used to it doesn't mean he likes it.

And Cedric should not be nearly as intimidating as Howard finds him.

"I was kidding. Sort of." Not really. "And I don't know. You might get there in a few minutes. Do you like me, Cedric? Because I mean, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't."

It's not as if he goes out of his way to be cute and cuddly.

There Howard goes, with his strange questions again. Surely they must be leading somewhere. "Of course I like you," Cedric answers, tilting his head to the side as he looks over at Howard. "I don't know why, but I do. I wouldn't have climbed up if I didn't want to see you."

He smiles just to emphasize that there's no ill will between them. "I still don't see how I'm going to be bothered enough to toss you off a cliff. Are you about to tell me that you've been plotting to kill me all along?"

Not that he believes that, ever. Cedric's clearly in a good mood, happy that nothing's wrong between them. As far as he knows.

Well, Howard guesses being liked for unknown reasons is better than being disliked for concrete reasons.

"Stop smiling at me like that. It's creepy." Because Howard's getting the sinking feeling that he knows what Cedric's answer will be. Cedric's smile is too genuine and warm, too clueless. And while Howard's just glad that Cedric doesn't seem like he'd be vindictive when he hears the truth, he can't help but feel like his spine's been replaced by ice water knowing the answer he's going to get.

"I kind of invited you in because I was interested in you as more than a friend."

"Right." Cedric stops smiling with his mouth, but he conveys the same general sentiment of friendliness with his eyes. He listens patiently, and...well, he shows faint surprise. It's not a massive shock after Hogwarts. And Howard had seemed very invested in the state of his hair.

This is difficult. Cedric knows how much it must be killing Howard to admit to this, to put himself on the line like this. He'd really thought Cedric would be angry enough to throw him off the cliff. And part of Cedric wishes he could say yes, soothe Howard's fears, and give him a little happiness in his life.

But he isn't the right guy for Howard---not now.

"I'm honored," he says sincerely, just to let Howard know he's not disgusted right off the bat. "And I promise I won't let my ego overinflate. But..."

He looks guilty. "You're a great guy, Howard. I just...have a girlfriend, possibly in the pods somewhere."

"Yeah. I figured." Howard stares at the ground again, at the tops of his shoes coming apart at the seams. "I guess I just hoped and, and anyway, you don't have to lie to spare my feelings any, it's okay."

It's not really okay. If it were all really okay Howard could be doing that eye contact thing that everyone tells him is so awesome. But he knows, logically, he can't hold it against Cedric.

"You won't tell anyone about this, right? I mean, you're the third person that knows and I want to keep it that way. Maybe forever. I don't know. Please don't tell anyone."

And honestly this conversation has cemented Howard's decision to keep this all under wraps.

"I'm not lying," Cedric insists. "I want to be the best friend I can be to you, but if that's too painful now I understand." Though he'll hate to lose Howard.

"And I can promise you that." No need to hurt him any further, he thinks.

"I don't know if we're friends." It's not an insult. Howard is just very selective in whom he hands that label out to, and he's only talked with Cedric a handful of times, including now.

"Thanks. We don't have to stop talking if you don't want. I mean, when I said you could come over whenever, I meant it."

So this is what handling the situation maturely is like. Howard doesn't really like it. He guesses maybe he should feel proud of himself, but he just feels profoundly empty.

"Then it's something I still have to work for," he says, undeterred. "Hard work's never turned me away."

Cedric looks over at him, still conscious of how painfully awkward the whole situation is, and nods. "Sure. I've got to return that plate. And I'll clean up this time---no magic, promise."

Howard gives Cedric a little smile, one that only travels partway up his face and still leaves his eyes looking sad. No one's ever really fought to be his friend before Stacy. It's a strange feeling; flattering, to an extent. And baffling and intimidating, too. "Alright. I guess we're going to have to see each other at your Quidditch practices anyway, right?"

He rolls his eyes. "I don't care if you use magic, man. If it's the fastest way to do something, why not? It's Zou that's got a stick up his ass about it, and no matter what people tell you me and him aren't attached at the hip."

"Right! So you're still on to referee? Thank you, I'm sure you'll be brilliant." At least there's that. One small fun thing to do together.

"...they might've told me that," he confesses, laughing a little. "But I get it. I'll just do work the honest way if I'm ever around your inn again."

As he talks, he's still processing and locking down Howard's secret. He's still worried, but maybe Howard will find someone he's better suited for soon. Someone who has a life ahead of them.

"I do like to tell people they're doing it wrong. And boss them around." He's toned down the bully tendencies some since arriving on Stacy, largely because no one would let him get away with it here. Especially Zouichi. He can't imagine Cedric would be fond of it either.

"He's being a hypocrite about it too. Like he ever has to do work 'the honest way'. Did you know he has a handle on his motorcycle so he can carry it through swamps?" Not that Howard thinks Zou doesn't work hard or have an admirable (and kind of depressing) sense of dedication. It's just sometimes satisfying to bitch about being the One Normal Person.

You know. As normal as someone can be when they're convinced they'll die a painful death before reaching eighteen. That Cedric's bound for death is the least of Howard's worries - after all, in his opinion, they're probably all going to get killed by the Ohm or go back to their dystopian homeworlds anyway. Death isn't a possibility to Howard. He sees it as an imminent certainty to be stalled as long as possible.

"Anyway, this is all his fault anyway, he was the one who said I should tell you. Jerk." And that's not too many 'anyways', shut up.

"Just for swamps? Does that happen often?" Cedric tries to picture the number of times Zouichi would end up in a swamp. It seems like an unnecessary thing to prepare for.

As for his last statement, Cedric bows his head. "I'm sorry. But I promise this hasn't changed how I view you---you're not the first. And it's a secret," he mouths. You know. Just in case they're overheard.

"It'd probably work over rough terrain too, I'd guess." Howard winks. "I'm going to hold you to that. If this gets back to Diana Ladris, your head's going to be decorating a pike in my front yard."

And he's glad this hasn't changed Cedric's mind any, since Cedric seems to inexplicably like him as he is, hostility and condescension and all. It's bizarre, to Howard. He feels as if he's always had to work to get people to like him, either by doing everything for them or changing himself to better fit their idea of what he should be. But for the most part he's been authentically himself with Cedric, and yet Cedric still likes him. Funny, that.

And yet he's not expecting to have any secret admirers anytime soon. Certainly not the apparent hordes of people throwing themselves at Cedric's feet.

"Do you, um. Do you mind if I split now? I think I might need some time alone."

"And we can't have that, can we?" Cedric grins. Not at all. Even if it would be a fairly attractive head on a pike.

He nods and stands, understanding Howard's need. Probably to hit things, vent---get out all the pain. Cedric's been there and done that. "Not at all. I'll see you later, alright? Hit Zouichi if it'll cheer you up," he suggests.

"Oh God no. I don't hit friends," he says, suddenly very serious and sounding just a little bitter. "Besides, Zou? I'd break my hand."

He starts walking back up the cliff. "Anyway, yeah. See you later, Humpty Dumpty."

When he gets back to the clifftop, he doesn't hit things. He's not really the violent type, even now. He doesn't cry, either - crying's become a bit of a ritual for him, reserved for important emotions or thinking too hard about everything that's happened to get any sleep every few nights. Not for dumb stuff like this.

He does, however, pull the rocks back out of his backpack and drop them, one by one, off the edge.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The Sun Is Always In My Eyes [Closed]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject