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As much as he hated to really admit it, Jake was settling in aboard the ship. There was a strange sense of normalcy that followed him around - he was at war, he was trying to avoid getting people killed, he was thinking about strategies, thinking about the future - and that all seemed perfectly normal to him. He had slipped back into the patterns and the habits he'd formed over the War very easily and that bothered him, in some little corner of his mind. But the rest of him? The rest of him was happy he had something to do that he was good at.

He was wary, paranoid again, watching everyone who said they were a friend with a trained suspicion. And sometimes at night, it made him sick to realize that he accepted that as a normal part of everyday life. It was 'late'. Late being relative when there was no way to really gauge what time it was or how much time had passed, so he went wandering to settle his mind. He found his way to a large hall, filled with strange and surreal sculptures and images. It was like a twisted sort of art gallery.

That was exactly what it was, he realized as he slowly drifted through the various pieces of art, staring at pieces that caught his attention. He finally paused to stare at a strange, shifting piece that stood underneath a sculpture of a head. It didn't really look like anything, though. Just inky blackness that seemed to shimmer strangely in the dim lighting.

He was about to turn away, when it finally coalesced into something he recognized. A scene he remembered very well. Probably too well. The bridge of the Pool Ship on that last, horrible day of the war. He was staring at the viewscreen, free hork-bajir and the other Animorphs standing around him. A defeated and weary-looking Visser Three. And on the view-screen, Tom.

That moment when he had condemned his brother and his cousin to death.

But that had all changed here. They were both alive, his brother was free - but that didn't stop the memories. Or the guilt. Or the second-guessing. What if he'd been a bit faster? Or a bit more careful? Or tried a different way?

The scene changed. Now it was the Animorphs locked in combat with Hork-Bajir. And then a Howler. It changed again - the auxiliaries being shot down one after the other by the Pool Ship's dracon beams. Sharks, swimming in an alien sea. Rachel's funeral. The smoking remains of the Yeerk Pool after they'd blown it to smithereens-

He tore himself away.

He shouldn't dwell. He had the present to think about. He flexed his hands and for a moment, he stared down at them. Was this all he was going to be good at for the rest of his life? Planning for war? Fighting war?

Jake shook himself off and turned to walk deeper into the strange gallery. He didn't want to spend anymore time next to this particular piece of artwork.

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"Yeah, that's why I'm here too," she responded quietly. She shook her head. "It is weird and every day just seems to get weirder." And sadder. "Do you know that sometimes I still wonder what it would be like to be just a normal kid? I think that I'd like to be ordinary. This..." She motioned to all that was around them, "is definitely not my cup of tea."

The worry never left her eyes as she spoke. She had been turning over the question on how best to approach him without his shutting her out in her mind since they'd begun to speak. She may have spoken about herself, but she had been thinking of him. "You... you look worried, Jake. Are you alright? I'd like to help." She smiled. "You used to be able to talk to me." And he had some at the start, but as the war had progressed he'd become more and more closed off. She suspected that she knew the reason for it given one conversation that they'd had, but she'd never really agreed with him and it grieved her that she'd been unable to prevent him from taking everything on himself. It was a failure for which she wouldn't forgive herself anytime soon.

Edited 2011-09-06 16:16 (UTC)

Jake laughed. It was a hollow sound. "Being normal means I'd be worrying about my freshman year of college... Not fighting aliens. And a few years ago we would've been sweating the SATs instead of testifying at the Hague at a war crimes tribunal."

He ran a hand through his hair, "Elfangor said he was giving us a gift. A fighting chance. Sometimes I think it was some sort of cruel joke being played on us - because really? Leave the fate of the world to five ordinary kids? But we pulled it off. We won."

There was only a tace of bitterness in his voice. They'd won, but it had cost them. They'd saved the world, but they'd lost their shot at an ordinary life. Hey, a small price to pay for the fate of humanity, right?

That line about "we used to be able to talk" made him drop his shoulders and look away. They'd drifted apart after the war - well, to her, there was no "after the war" yet. He regretted that at times, but he didn't think he could've helped it. Not after what he'd had to do. In a way, maybe he'd been punishing himself.

But he couldn't really keep this to himself. He was supposed to be the leader, he couldn't let them see him fall apart. But if he did fall apart, who was going to pay because of it? Jake finally looked at Cassie again.

"...I'm worried because this stopped feeling weird a day or two after I got out of the pods. I'm worried because I'm actually happy that I have another war to fight. Because this...?"

He gestured at the walls, the ship. "This is all I know how to do know, Cassie. I never even graduated from high school. And maybe I'm relieved that I can do something I'm good at instead of pretending that I can go back to a normal life."

Cassie heard the hollowness of the laugh and it sent a pang through her heart because she understood it better then she'd ever thought that she could. When had it gotten to this point? One minute, they were just kids and the next guerrilla soldiers. She did still think about being normal sometimes. It might have been funny if it hadn't been true. Most kids dreamed of being something special or of being famous when they grew up. All she wanted now was to be a regular kid, with nothing to worry about but school, chores, and everything else that came with being a teenager. That shouldn't have been so much to ask, but it was. By this point, she knew it was impossible, but she thought about it nonetheless. "That's true," she agreed quietly, with a weak smile. "But, still, when this is over, I think that it would be nice to try. Maybe we'd never be ordinary, but we still have lives ahead of us. That's what our sacrifices bought us. The chance to live." And that made this new war all the crueler, but there was nothing left to do but try to get back what they'd lost.

She thought sadly of Elfangor. The image of his death still haunted her dreams to this day, but the courage that he'd shown in face of certain death had also inspired her. She wanted to be strong. For her family, her friends, and for her world. "We did win. And because of that, there is another tomorrow. And when there is another tomorrow, there is hope." It was that hope that kept her going. The hope for a better tomorrow. Of a peaceful one. But, that didn't make the sacrifices of war any less tragic and she knew it. Still, she'd found it easier to keep going if she focused more on that hope rather then all that came to reach it.

She nodded, feeling relieved that he'd been willing to open up to her some. "We are awfully used to the weird, aren't we? There was no choice though. We had to be to cope with our lives, so we adapted." It frightened her too sometimes. That what would have once been beyond imagining she now considered fairly normal. But, they wouldn't have made it if they hadn't learned to adapt. "We did our best. We're still doing our best and we're better prepared for what lays ahead because of that fact."

"You can do more then this," she added softly. "You're smart, strong, and kind. It was never fair of us to ask you to do any of what you had to do, but you did it anyway without complaint. You're an incredible person and I have no doubt that you could do anything that you set your mind to, Jake." If he'd forgive himself. If he'd give himself the chance. She shook her head. "Perhaps normalcy is beyond us all now, but we could still work towards that brighter future, couldn't we?"

She looked straight ahead now as she continued speaking. "At least we're all together here. We don't have to do this alone." Cassie looked back at him meaningfully and smiled. "None of us."

"Sometimes I think we fought the war so everyone else would have a future. But... I feel like I gave up my own sometimes, you know?" He glanced at Cassie. He could tell her about what happened after the war, about what she'd managed to do with her life. Maybe that would make her feel better about everything - but who was he to tell someone what course their life would take? Would have taken? That made him feel too much like the Ellimist. So he just shook his head with a sigh and moved on.

"We're alive, Cassie, but I don't feel like I'm living my life. At least I wasn't back home. I didn't graduate high school. I didn't even go to college. I ended up working for the military - me! Teaching a bunch of commandos how to use morphing ability and the tactics that worked best. I couldn't pull off being a celebrity, so I went back to being a soldier. It worked."

For a while, anyway. He'd still felt like he was just going through the motions half of the time. "That's what we're doing here, isn't it? Fighting for the future again? Fighting to make sure someone gets to have it, right?"

He turned to look at her. Maybe it just wouldn't be them enjoying it. He managed to smile. "But you're right. We're together again. We're a team and this time..."

He took a deep breath, voice dropping, "This time I'm not going to let anybody die. Not my brother. Not Rachel. Not you or Marco or Ax or Tobias. We're all going to make it out this time."

Cassie frowned, placing her hand on Jake's arm gently. "I see. I understand, Jake." She hesitated, unsure how to respond next. What could she say to him when she didn't know what had happened over the years that she had yet to experience? Some of it she'd learned about already, but there was still so much that she didn't know. So much that she'd been afraid to ask. This gave her at least a partial answer to what had happened to Jake over those years and, while the answer didn't shock her, it did make her very sad. "But, even if that's what happened then, it doesn't mean that you couldn't try to change it now. Maybe now it's time to start living your life again. Time to give yourself another chance at happiness." Because he didn't sound like he'd been at all happy in the life that he'd been living. It broke her heart.

"I suppose in a sense, but we're fighting for everyone, Jake," she said softly. "For those we love, for ourselves, and for the people we've never met who, if they are fortunate, will never know about any of this. The future is for us all." And she hoped that she was right. That, when all this was over, there would be a peaceful future waiting for them, but in a treacherous part of her mind, she wondered whether she was fooling herself. Going directly from one war to another had not exactly been helpful for her state of mind. She was so tired of fighting, but she couldn't stop yet. For now, all she could do was believe.

"We," Cassie corrected firmly, surprised by the stubborn tone that she heard in her own voice. But, she'd made the mistake of staying quiet before and she could see now that he'd suffered for it. "We're a team. Leader or not, you're not the only one responsible for what happens to us. We all bear some of that responsibility. All that you try take on yourself, it's too much for anyone to bear alone." She didn't know if her words would have any effect, but she had to at least try. "But, you're right. We'll all make it out this time." Cassie could only pray that her words would prove true. Right now, she suspected that they both needed to believe in them.

Edited 2011-09-07 02:50 (UTC)

"I don't have time for that, right now, Cassie. We don't have time for normal lives here - there's another war to fight," Jake replied. And if he had to admit it, deep down, he didn't want to go back to that strange half-life of drifting, trying to decide what it was he could actually do. He preferred having a problem he could deal with directly. Something concrete to sink himself into. Not that he could really tell Cassie that. He had to deal with that particular demon on his own.

The idea that they were a team again wasn't alien. But the idea that they'd share this burden of leadership and responsibility? He didn't like. He'd become the leader so no one else would have to make the hard decisions. He was the one responsible in the end. He was the one who made sure they all made it out alive, who called the shots. He didn't want power, didn't want to control every aspect of their lives - but he also didn't want them living with some of the blood that was on his hands. Or the guilt.

"You have some of that responsibility, but I... I'm the one who calls the shots. And I'll do that again, because I'm good at it and because I don't want the rest of you getting hurt," Jake replied, "I can do better this time. I know I can."

There was a bit of desperation in his tone, right alongside determination. He had to atone for his past mistakes. He had to make it right this time. "And I'll handle it. I'll live with it. Just like I have in the past. I'll be fine."

Cassie nodded, although her eyes were sad. She wouldn't argue the point for now, but she also wasn't willing to let this go entirely yet. Jake was right for now that this war they'd gotten sucked into would have to take priority, but, once it was over and their world was restored, maybe then they could focus on building that peaceful future. "Yes, I know. Still, does it really hurt to think about it? I... don't think that I could do this if I didn't believe that there was a chance for a better future waiting for us."

She'd suspected that he'd be opposed to her suggestion, but she didn't regret bringing it up. Even if he didn't want to accept the idea now, at least the possibility had been aired. Words and ideas, if kept silent, were of no use to anyone. Once out in the open though, they could sometimes bring about change, although whether that change was good or bad remained to be seen.

Cassie hadn't missed the desperation in Jake's voice nor the determination and it made her hesitate. She still didn't think it was healthy for Jake to take all the responsibility on himself, but maybe she was wrong about what he needed right now. It wouldn't be the first time. Perhaps the best thing for her to do right now was just try to watch out for him and be there for him if he needed her. Relenting some, she nodded, "As you wish. But, Jake, will you promise me one thing?" She looked into his eyes, the worry and fear that she felt for him obvious in her own, "Please don't close us out again. You'll lead us, but please come find me when you need to talk. Even if you don't want my advice, I'd be perfectly happy just to listen while you say whatever you need to say. Just please don't shut us all out again. Please... don't shut me out again."

Edited 2011-09-07 03:53 (UTC)

Jake smiled - it was a tired smile, but a smile. "You deserve that future, Cassie. You believed in it. You fought for it. You should be able to go ahead and take that future. Me? I don't think it's really there for me anymore. This is what I do. This is what I'm good at."

He trailed off, tryign to find the words, trying to express his feelings. he'd never been good at this. He still wasn't. He tried to imagine having this conversation with the older version of Cassie and couldn't quite picture it. So he pressed on.

"You...? I think you can move on after we're done with this. I think you're going to shape the future more than I ever could. And I want you to do that, when this is all over, no matter what happens. Become a veterinarian. Do something with your drive. I... I just don't know if I'm going to be able to move on like that."

And then he went quiet again, suddenly feeling awkward and alone and vulnerable. He had shut Cassie out. He hadn't wanted to drag her down with him. Just because he couldn't move on didn't mean she shouldn't. And knowing Cassie, she would've done her best to pull him back out all on her own. "...I can't promise that, Cassie. I'm sorry."

Cassie frowned. She started to reach out for Jake again, but then she pulled back uncertainly. She took a deep breath before finally speaking again, her voice as composed as it had been at the start the conversation, but the sadness and worry beneath the surface were obvious. "It could be there for you too if you'd give it a chance. If I deserve it, then you deserve it all the more."

She paused, biting her lip nervously, but then continued. "You say that this is what you do now, but is that what you really want? Or is it that you believe that this is all that's left to you. There's a significant difference between those two." Cassie stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing. This needed to be said and she wanted to make sure that she said it correctly. "If you could truly be happy as a soldier, as a general, maybe then I would not worry for you as I do. But, you don't seem happy to me right now and, from what you've told me, you weren't truly happy living the life that you had back home, even though there too you were a soldier of sorts. Right now, Jake, I want you to really think and tell me what would make you happy. Pretend that we're home again and all the wars are behind us. What would make you happy? That's all I want for you. Happiness. You deserve that opportunity, whether or not you believe that you deserve it." She looked deeply into his eyes again, searching desperately for the boy that she had known before war had broken him. The one that she'd fallen in love with.

Tears pricked at her eyes at his refusal, her composure finally starting to crack. She'd lived this once already and she wasn't sure that she could do it again. How could she watch him suffer while she stood by helpless to do anything to ease his pain? How could she watch while he shut his heart to all the people who loved him? Closing her eyes, she blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. "Jake, please. I just... please don't shut me out again. I want to help. I couldn't do anything last time, but maybe... maybe this time will be different." It was what she wanted to believe. Perhaps she was lying to herself, but she couldn't go into another war believing that it would end as the last one did. She'd seen what one war had done to her friends and she wasn't looking forward to discovering what a second war might add on to the damage that had already been done.

Jake felt like he'd already had this conversation once before. Maybe he had - although he and Cassie back home had never confronted one another like this. They'd just drifted apart as the post-war world swept them up into a swirl of media attention and praise. Everything that had stayed locked deep down was coming to the surface and Jake wasn't sure he wanted to deal with that right now. He wasn't sure he'd ever wanted to turn around and face this - what his decision to take it all on his own shoulders had done to him and to his friends.

So he listened to her. He watched tears prick at her eyes. He felt awkward again, like he was that kid, still trying to balance his own emotions and the fact that they were at war. he could handle Hork-Bajir. He could handle Vissor One. This was more difficult, in a strange, twisted way.

Jake's shoulders slumped and he looked very, very tired for a moment. "Maybe I wasn't happy, but it was something I knew how to do, Cassie. I haven't been happy for a long, long time. What was I supposed to do? Go back to school after all of that? After I got Rachel killed? I've got this weight on my shoulders and I don't think it's ever going to go away, no matter what I do."

For a moment, his eyes brightened, lit up with a maniac light, "...but I have another chance here. I have a chance to make things right. I have a chance to make things work. Even if it means I have to... do everything I did all over again, even if I have to make those hard choices, I'm going to do it and I'm going to do it right. But..."

Could he really shut her out again? And if he didn't, would he be able to make those hard choices?

"I... it will be different. Just... just trust me, Cassie. Alright? We can talk about this again... later."

It sounded hollow, even to him.

Cassie listened and watched silently, trying to get a better feel for the situation. This conversation was long past due. She didn't know if her future self had ever tried, but that didn't matter now. "Let me ask you this, Jake, do you think that Rachel would have been happy if she'd known what had happened to you? Or do you think that she'd have wanted you to live your life the best that you could?" She shook her head. "If I know my best friend at all, she'd have been horrified to find out that you'd been blaming yourself for what happened. Her death..." Her eyes closed as she fought back the tears, but she couldn't hold them any longer. Her best friend's death was still too fresh in her mind. She'd been so happy to find that Rachel was still alive on the ship. Seeing her best friend again had been incredible. But that didn't change the memories that had come with her from her own world. "She would have wanted us all to be happy. That's the way that she is. Was. Will always be."

She noticed the strange look in her eyes and it scared her. Cassie swallowed. "Jake, I do trust you. I always have. But you don't need to protect me anymore." She paused, breathing deeply. "A long time ago you told me that being a leader meant not being able to show fear or doubt. That you needed to be brave, so that we could all be brave. And maybe you're right about that, but I'll repeat to you now the same thing that I said then. I'd be willing to bet that even the greatest leaders have friends with whom they can share their thoughts and fears. Can't I do that for you? If you just keep bottling up the pain, you'll destroy yourself. Jake, I care about you too much to just sit back and watch that happen."

(OOC: I totally butchered the quotes from The Warning. :P)

Edited 2011-09-07 06:26 (UTC)

Maybe he was just running from everything. Maybe he just didn't want to face his own actions. Or maybe he faced them every morning when he woke up and just couldn't get past his own failures. The seventeen thousand Yeerks he'd killed. Tom. Rachel. The auxiliaries. Everyone else. The people he hadn't been able to save. It ate him alive, but he couldn't show that. Not back home, where he had to be the hero. Not here, where he had to be a leader again. And he knew Cassie was right. Rachel would want him to live. Did want him to live. Tom would've wanted him to live. But even knowing that, he couldn't.

"I think she'd want me to live. And I'm living. I'm doing what I can, Cassie. I'm just not sure if I'm ever going to be happy again," Jake replied slowly. What was he supposed to do? Just forget about those decisions he'd made? Leave them behind?

He relived those moments every day. And every day he tried to figure out what he could've done differently. He locked eyes with Cassie and for a moment, he wanted to step forward and to try and bring back everything they'd lost. But he was a leader.

"After the war," he said quietly. That was a familiar promise. "I'll figure it all out after the war. I promise."

Or maybe it was an excuse.

Tears still trickled down Cassie's face, but she had mostly managed to regain control of herself again. "Is it truly living if you aren't happy or at least striving to be happy? Rachel would not want you to blame yourself for what happened." Cassie shook her head. "She loves you and would have wanted you to be happy or to at least do your best. Can you honestly say that you've done your best to be happy? I don't doubt that the grief will always be there for all of us and I know that we can't return to being the people that we were before the war, but we can try to build a new life. Can't we?"

Cassie nodded. "We can plan for the future after the war, but right now... I want to talk about during the war. You're avoiding my question, Jake." As she watched Jake's face, she felt a wave of guilt for pushing him so hard and she almost stopped, but then she changed her mind. The reason that they'd been able to drift apart was because she'd never pressed the issue. She too had believed that they'd work everything out after the war, until late into the war when she came to realize that she'd lost him long ago. Did she dare risk allowing it to happen again. "Can you truly not confide in me? Humans are not meant to stand completely alone, not even leaders. We all need someone that we can rely on when things get tough. Perhaps the best way for both of us to get through this war in one piece emotionally as well as physically is for you and me to confide in one another. That way neither of us has to feel alone."

(OOC: Okay, I'll stop editing this thing. I'm sorry. Hopefully, it's okay now.)

Edited 2011-09-07 07:54 (UTC)

"I don't think I can build a new life," Jake muttered, "Not with that hanging over me. I..."

For a moment, he looked pained, as if he were trying to find the right words, the right emotion - and then his mask was back on. "That's why I said you should be the one to build it. You... you dealt with it a lot better than I did. You went back to something approaching normalcy. Me? I can't do that. Not yet."

He didn't want to see Cassie crying - but a serious talk like this brought out emotions. Some of which he hadn't really given himself a chance to feel in a long time. "I... can't, Cassie. This is something I have to deal with my own. I'm... I'm sorry."

Cassie shook her head, biting back the tears that threatened to start anew. She wouldn't break down again. Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "Jake..."

Even if they weren't as close as they'd once been, she knew Jake well enough to know that, for now, this discussion was pointless. Either her arguments weren't convincing enough or he wasn't ready to hear them yet. She wasn't willing to forget the issue altogether yet, but she also wouldn't push him further at this moment. Cassie hated to upset him and she was worried by now that she might be hurting him more then helping. "I see. Well, I'm here if you need me, Jake. I-I... I'm sorry. I should be going, so I suppose I'll see you later."

With that she turned to leave, the bitter taste of failure in her mouth. Why was it that she could never seem to help the people that she cared for?

"Cassie..." Jake started and then stopped himself. What was he supposed to say? That he was ready to move on and try to make everything better again? Sometimes he kicked himself for not doing just that back home, but wouldn't that just be a lie? He wasn't ready to move on. He wasn't sure he would ever be. So how could he say something like that?

"I'll talk to you later," he finished lamely and watched her go.

What the Hell had happened to them?

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