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trans_92011-01-14 11:50 am
kaya-waterwave.livejournal.com) wrote in trans_92011-01-14 11:50 am
Entry tags:
Age of Inexperience
There is a LOT more than I expected under the cut, so feel free to skip to the outside bit.
That, in turn, had led to the Sensorium. She still saw those words, those arrogant words that filled her with a rage she hadn't felt in awhile, a secret pain she kept but had tried to keep to herself. They were not words she could ignore, because they could be applied to her in a few notable circumstances. She knew it, understood more than anyone that her actions lately had consequences.
Your experience is wrong.
Why couldn't she not care? Why did things people say to her, things like this, make her feel inadequate, angry beyond compare, and more than anything, bothered that there was truth?
What was it that was really making her angry?
Well she didn't have to act like that was such a hard question. She knew exactly what was making her upset, why she'd been trying to smile and deal and why it had all felt just hollow. She'd known it for a long time, and it had resurfaced when she hadn't expected it, and now, no matter what she said or did, there was that pained feeling for her.
She missed them. Yes, Sokka was here and so was Zuko, but Zuko had how own things to deal with and Sokka, she understood, couldn't bear to talk with her now. Brother or not, she knew what he
thought of her and regardless what he thought, his opinion carried weight with her always. She missed his wisecracks, Zuko's standoffishness, Toph's casual indifference. She missed fussing over them, laughing with them, planning with them what they would do next. Most of all, there was the ache of a person missing but was there, ALWAYS there no matter what Katara did, no matter what anyone ever said of her or even thought they knew. It was the worst thing about herself, she thought: emotional bonds like this were what undid her, anguish that called out a name that would be out of reach, always out of reach.
But the Sensorium was more than happy to bring up images of a certain bald monk, the then and now, the man Katara knew, even no matter what Overlord Zetta had said, she was destined for, the one, it seemed, she could never be with. Twice brought back, twice she saw him and longed for a time that seemed destined to elude her, and she could see that imagery of the two of them, getting close, their souls coming together.
And then an image of Stacy and that ripped apart, shattering Aang and podding him, and she, her hands outstretched, just watched, tears streaming down her face. That familiar, horrible dream that had kept her awake sleepless nights, that had torn her in two, that had made her seek out training, more training, ANYTHING to just stop this feeling that she would go crazy without him.
And somewhere there, in the midst of all that, was Matt, the reminder of Aang, someone who embodied the goodness and kindness in the world. Goodness knows, it could be hard to remember it all with Yeerks and Nightmare Kings and zombies and death robots that there could be anything good here. Pain seemed to plague her steps but it was in other people too, so what could she do but try to heal what she could. Yes, there had been cruel people here too, but also ones that extended their hands, that tried to give what they could. A year just talking and being with Matt and then that time where he got injured and Katara feared they would snuff him out, would take him like they took Aang and she couldn't bear it. She found something in her heart, something that she could give to him, and who knew, love was there, still yearning somehow.
She clung to that feeling, that hope there would be something still left of the old her after they took Sokka and Mai and Zuko and she just coped, living largely thanks to Renne and Billy. And Matt would give that part of himself to her too, would understand which was of course when Will would resurface, would be what reminded them they'd been tricked by GLADOS only to repod her, and Katara would go to Matt, smiling and knowing she still had something after all of this, that she would share with him a feeling she had reserved for only one other person in the world.
And so of course Stacy wasn't done with her, it was that equivalent exchange stuff Ed had told her about, an ingredient in alchemy. They would take Renne, after the three of them had Bonded enough they could look after each others pain, and then throw ANOTHER Will. Oh, and then bring Sokka AND Zuko back, with Zuko's memories intact and her unable to do nothing but tell her brother the truth. What could she say to justify months of not knowing if her family would be given back? How could she admit to him that, with all of everything, she didn't trust the ship to do ANYTHING that would make her happy without giving her some price to pay, that she was so happy he was here she could sing and the price for that was being unhappy because he didn't understand her? What could she do but flounder with a "I just want to be happy" and have him go, still mystified about who she was? Thinking she'd betrayed Aang, that she would ever in her heart forget him hurt, was horrible...but it was easier then going onto the truth. In a way, it was her own punishment for the whole Bene Gesserit thing: she should have been listening to him more then.
And then her own motivations: was there truth there?
What's the matter? Don't like the truth?
Or maybe you're a coward. Who knows?
So here she was and she closed her eyes: she never doubted her devotion to the people on this ship, no matter what individual members angered her, made her feel like she was less than she was. She did NOT want them to suffer more than they had, like she had, losing their worlds. What made her angry was the doubt in her own heart, that her own happiness was so out of reach no matter what she did, no matter what she did. Aang was there and made her understand true love, Matt was there to stop that pain of having nothing, of not having to scream in her own head. The ship blurred things in her own heart and made her lose sight so much.
So the simulation came back to an unpleasant time: the Nightmare King unleashed one of the scariest things she'd ever seen: the T-1000, a robot bent of human destruction, one that needed several attacks to take down.
SHE'D SHOW THEM.
"Let's do this!" She yelled, and attacked with fury.
That, in turn, had led to the Sensorium. She still saw those words, those arrogant words that filled her with a rage she hadn't felt in awhile, a secret pain she kept but had tried to keep to herself. They were not words she could ignore, because they could be applied to her in a few notable circumstances. She knew it, understood more than anyone that her actions lately had consequences.
Your experience is wrong.
Why couldn't she not care? Why did things people say to her, things like this, make her feel inadequate, angry beyond compare, and more than anything, bothered that there was truth?
What was it that was really making her angry?
Well she didn't have to act like that was such a hard question. She knew exactly what was making her upset, why she'd been trying to smile and deal and why it had all felt just hollow. She'd known it for a long time, and it had resurfaced when she hadn't expected it, and now, no matter what she said or did, there was that pained feeling for her.
She missed them. Yes, Sokka was here and so was Zuko, but Zuko had how own things to deal with and Sokka, she understood, couldn't bear to talk with her now. Brother or not, she knew what he
thought of her and regardless what he thought, his opinion carried weight with her always. She missed his wisecracks, Zuko's standoffishness, Toph's casual indifference. She missed fussing over them, laughing with them, planning with them what they would do next. Most of all, there was the ache of a person missing but was there, ALWAYS there no matter what Katara did, no matter what anyone ever said of her or even thought they knew. It was the worst thing about herself, she thought: emotional bonds like this were what undid her, anguish that called out a name that would be out of reach, always out of reach.
But the Sensorium was more than happy to bring up images of a certain bald monk, the then and now, the man Katara knew, even no matter what Overlord Zetta had said, she was destined for, the one, it seemed, she could never be with. Twice brought back, twice she saw him and longed for a time that seemed destined to elude her, and she could see that imagery of the two of them, getting close, their souls coming together.
And then an image of Stacy and that ripped apart, shattering Aang and podding him, and she, her hands outstretched, just watched, tears streaming down her face. That familiar, horrible dream that had kept her awake sleepless nights, that had torn her in two, that had made her seek out training, more training, ANYTHING to just stop this feeling that she would go crazy without him.
And somewhere there, in the midst of all that, was Matt, the reminder of Aang, someone who embodied the goodness and kindness in the world. Goodness knows, it could be hard to remember it all with Yeerks and Nightmare Kings and zombies and death robots that there could be anything good here. Pain seemed to plague her steps but it was in other people too, so what could she do but try to heal what she could. Yes, there had been cruel people here too, but also ones that extended their hands, that tried to give what they could. A year just talking and being with Matt and then that time where he got injured and Katara feared they would snuff him out, would take him like they took Aang and she couldn't bear it. She found something in her heart, something that she could give to him, and who knew, love was there, still yearning somehow.
She clung to that feeling, that hope there would be something still left of the old her after they took Sokka and Mai and Zuko and she just coped, living largely thanks to Renne and Billy. And Matt would give that part of himself to her too, would understand which was of course when Will would resurface, would be what reminded them they'd been tricked by GLADOS only to repod her, and Katara would go to Matt, smiling and knowing she still had something after all of this, that she would share with him a feeling she had reserved for only one other person in the world.
And so of course Stacy wasn't done with her, it was that equivalent exchange stuff Ed had told her about, an ingredient in alchemy. They would take Renne, after the three of them had Bonded enough they could look after each others pain, and then throw ANOTHER Will. Oh, and then bring Sokka AND Zuko back, with Zuko's memories intact and her unable to do nothing but tell her brother the truth. What could she say to justify months of not knowing if her family would be given back? How could she admit to him that, with all of everything, she didn't trust the ship to do ANYTHING that would make her happy without giving her some price to pay, that she was so happy he was here she could sing and the price for that was being unhappy because he didn't understand her? What could she do but flounder with a "I just want to be happy" and have him go, still mystified about who she was? Thinking she'd betrayed Aang, that she would ever in her heart forget him hurt, was horrible...but it was easier then going onto the truth. In a way, it was her own punishment for the whole Bene Gesserit thing: she should have been listening to him more then.
And then her own motivations: was there truth there?
What's the matter? Don't like the truth?
Or maybe you're a coward. Who knows?
So here she was and she closed her eyes: she never doubted her devotion to the people on this ship, no matter what individual members angered her, made her feel like she was less than she was. She did NOT want them to suffer more than they had, like she had, losing their worlds. What made her angry was the doubt in her own heart, that her own happiness was so out of reach no matter what she did, no matter what she did. Aang was there and made her understand true love, Matt was there to stop that pain of having nothing, of not having to scream in her own head. The ship blurred things in her own heart and made her lose sight so much.
So the simulation came back to an unpleasant time: the Nightmare King unleashed one of the scariest things she'd ever seen: the T-1000, a robot bent of human destruction, one that needed several attacks to take down.
SHE'D SHOW THEM.
"Let's do this!" She yelled, and attacked with fury.
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