trans_9 | There's got to be a morning after [VERY OPEN]

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There's got to be a morning after [VERY OPEN]

It took a few moments for any thoughts to register for Steve when he opened his eyes. He recognized the inside of a quarantine bubble, that was for sure, but it took him longer to recognize the medical equipment hooked up to him, an IV in his arm and bandages wrapped around his bare shoulder and in a few other spots.

It didn't take long to recognize the feeling of having been run over by a truck, either. Every bone in his body ached, and even the slightest movement made him want to groan. It felt like he'd been asleep for a month-- a dreamless sleep, preceded by blurry, disconnected memories of what felt like a dream.

Memories of something he desperately, desperately hoped was just a dream. He had a sinking feeling it wasn't and part of him knew it to be the truth. But desperately hoping was the only way he could keep himself from screaming, which would hurt, so he'd keep on with that desperate hope anyway.

Steve lay awake and stared at the ceiling. Maybe if he stayed quiet they'd think he was still asleep, and he could put the truth and all the fear and sorrow that came with it off a while longer.

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"Well, I thought you would have figured that one out already."

Steve had an awkward smile on his face as Luke approached, but it looked on the verge of breaking as the Jedi drew closer. Finally he glanced away, seeming to shrink down in the bed some.

"Did I attack you too?"

Luke drew up a stool and sat beside Steve's bed. The smile was gone, but the Jedi didn't look angry, or even concerned.

"That doesn't matter to me," he said, leaning his elbows on the edge of the bed. "You're all right now, and that's what's important."

Steve shrank a little further, if it was even possible.

"I fucked up," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "I wasn't strong enough to stop it."

"Making mistakes, even ones that seem really big, is nothing new," Luke said gently. "We've all done it before. But I think you did stop it, after Miku and I got there. You saw us, recognized us, and stopped attacking. I don't think any of us hold it against you. At least, I sure don't."

He ran a hand through his gray-blond hair and smiled. "Like I said, what matters is that you and the rest of us are okay."

"I think turning into a mutant freak and trying to kill everybody I know is a little more than a 'big mistake,'" he pointed out. "I could have killed you. I could have killed everybody who ran into me, and I-"

He was struggling to keep his composure, but it was apparent this had been weighing heavily on Steve for quite a while now. And how could it not?

He reached up and brushed his hair out of his face-- that, or it was a very smooth attempt to wipe tears from his eyes before Luke noticed them. "I promised I wouldn't let it happen again."

Luke's heart went out to Steve, and he reached up and put a hand on the teen's shoulder. He was painfully aware of how similar Steve was to another young man, one who it seemed just yesterday had been seated on a medbay bed, watching the Emdee droids. That young man had also thought that he couldn't possibly kriff it all up any more than he just had...

But that was all in the past.

"The point is that you didn't kill anyone," he said. "And now that you've got that new treatment, it really won't happen again."

"But that's not enough," Steve protested, keeping his hand on his forehead (almost certainly to cover up tears, now.) "All that I did was-- it was all for nothing. I was still too weak. And now everybody on the ship knows it and knows what I am."

Luke was quiet a moment, picking at a loose thread in his robe. "It's like I said, though," was how he broke the silence. "Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone's weak in some way. We can't always be heroes or always show only our good sides to the world. Sooner or later, we crack, we slip. Because we're only human, and we're imperfect."

He looked at Steve. "The only way we can get stronger is by picking ourselves up after slipping and continuing on. Languishing or dwelling on the past too much doesn't do much, nor does worrying about what the future holds. As for what the rest of the ship thinks..." He shook his head.

"There'll be those who give you grief for it... it's hard, but you have to put aside what they think. The people who have your back no matter what are the ones you want around you."

Steve's head sank down a little lower and his shoulders trembled a bit as Luke talked. Finally, he slowly lifted up one hand and pressed it to his eyes.

"I-it'd be nice to ever be a hero instead of just a..." he drifted off, interrupted by what was unmistakeably a sob, even if he was trying to make it sound like it wasn't-- made no less obvious by the frantic wiping of tears from his face.

"H-hey," Luke said, putting an arm around Steve's shoulders. "Don't cry, er..."

This was the part of being a parent he'd always had trouble with. Children - biological or adoptive - crying had always upset Luke greatly. Mara had been much better at soothing Ben when he'd cried. Luke wished she was here to work whatever special Force abilities she had that calmed this kind of anguish. It must be a mothering thing.

"You're not worthless, or a freak, or however you were going to finish that sentence," he said gently. "Your worth isn't based on one event and shouldn't be judged that way. There's so much more to you than this, and I know because I've seen it in you. I can sense the strength in you."

Steve wrapped his fingers around the front of Luke's robe, burying his face in it and leaning against him.

"I-I almost killed everybody who even matters to me anymore," he sobbed. "Miku and- and Claire, and you-- everybody else wanted me dead, and I almost-"

"But you didn't," Luke repeated, putting his other arm around Steve's shoulders and holding him, like he'd held his son so many times when Ben had woken up with a nightmare. The sobbing had cut Luke to the very core then, and it did now.

"And we're all still alive and just fine, and we're here for you when you need us. You don't have to be a hero for people to care about you."

It took a few moments for Steve to calm down, but it was apparent this had been bothering him for some time. He trembled as he tried to get a hold of himself, rasping in deep breaths between the tears and the general pain of moving.

"I died last time. I should be dead now," he murmured. "But I- I'm not, and... I don't know what to do."

"Pick up and keep on going," Luke said. "It's what we do. It's all anyone can do." He was quiet a moment, then grinned. "You didn't really think we'd all give up on you, did you?"

"I couldn't do anything to save myself. I didn't expect anybody else to bother, either."

Steve finally lifted his head up, frantically scrubbing his eyes. "I just... I can't remember much of it, and what I do remember-- scares the shit out of me."

"I understand," Luke said. "It would scare me too, and I was scared enough from where I was. I can't imagine being in your position." He stepped back, hands on Steve's shoulders.

"But you stopped and backed up, when you could have continued attacking," he said firmly. "You showed you still could control things. You can take the fear you have and instead of letting it rule you, learn from it. That's how we continue to grow. I still consider myself a student of the Force, even though I've got the title of Master." He smiled. "You're strong, and I'm still proud of you, Steve."

Steve looked up through the hair hanging in his eyes. "You'd always say that," he accused, but there was the smallest trace of a smile behind the exhausted expression.

"How am I supposed to learn from something like this, again?"

"I'm not sure. But I bet you'll figure something out." Luke smiled again. "That's the kind of thing you have to sort out for yourself. I can't help you there."

He stepped back to sit on the stool again. "And... trust me, you don't want to be a hero. It always seems to get in the way of things."

Not that Luke'd trade his past for anything. But it was a lot of work.

"I'd rather be a hero than actually be the one getting in the way."

Steve wasn't pleased to hear that Luke didn't have any good advice for this one. Then again, he didn't suppose a lot of people really had anything encouraging to say about mutating into a giant monster and nearly killing everybody you knew.

He sighed and leaned back in the bed, exhausted. "I hate my life."

"Don't hate yourself... and those aren't the only two types of people, you know." Luke raised an eyebrow slightly, steepling his fingers. "But for what it's worth, you're not in the way of anything."

"Try telling that to all the people I put in the hospital."

Steve reached up and rubbed the remnants of tears out of his eyes, shaking his head and finally getting the courage to glance up at Luke again.

"Thank you," he said after a long pause. "For not letting them... you know. Kill me."

Luke smiled. Steve really did remind him of himself sometimes. Maybe that was another reason why the Force had put them both on board this ship; each to teach the other.

"I've told you before, you're like a son to me," he replied. "I'm not really okay with my family members getting killed, especially if I know something can be done about it. The people you put in the hospital - they'll heal, they'll forgive. You have to do the same yourself."

"I guess." Another quick scrub to get rid of the last of the tears, and he let out a heavy breath to try and calm himself down.

"You know, if anybody ever offers to let your skeleton change shape twice in one day? Tell them no. Because it really goddamn hurts."

Luke couldn't help a chuckle, even though he winced in sympathy at just the thought. He remembered that even just going through adolescence itself could be physically painful, and that there had been times when he'd been incredibly gawky and not used to the length of his own limbs, and having to deal both with growing and potential rearrangement of one's bones was inconceivable.

"I'll be sure to remember that. Need me to see if I can rustle up anything for pain?"

Steve winced and squirmed a little bit in place, trying to get comfortable when it felt like he'd been steamrolled and then forcefully twisted back to normal. "Yeah, if you can? They gave me something for it but I don't think painkillers work when your everything hurts."

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